Through His Eyes: Blasphemy
by Mippyy
Summary: What is Edward thinking when he feels forced to leave Bella?


As my feet slid over the moist green ferns, I couldn't feel anything. The voices I usually heard in my head barely made any impression on my mind. My heart was even colder than usual.  
I didn't lead her far. She had to be near the house.  
"Okay, let's talk." she said. There was bravery in her voice. My little trooper. I drew in my breath, filling my lungs with her as much as I could in the limited time.  
"Bella, we're leaving." It took all my concentration just to keep my voice from breaking.  
"Why now, another year?"  
I had to explain this right. I concentrated hard.  
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."  
She simply stared at me. I wished I could see into her mind, to see what she was thinking.  
Her face contorted, and she understood.  
"When you say we-"  
"I mean my family and myself." My still-beating heard was breaking.  
She shook her head slowly. In denial or in misunderstanding, I couldn't tell. I waited.  
"Okay, I'll come with you." she said. Oh, how I wished she could.  
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going, it's not the right place for you.  
"Where you are is the right place for me." she insisted.  
How wrong she was. "I'm no good for you, Bella." It wasn't even a lie.  
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life!" She was begging now. It was heartbreaking, seeing her so desperate to cling onto what she should have never wanted.  
"My world is not for you." How true that was.  
"What happened with Jasper - that was nothing, Edward, nothing!"  
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."  
"You promised!" she cried, but she couldn't quite yell. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"  
"As long as that was what was best for you," I corrected her.  
"No! This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you - it's yours already!"  
Of course it was about her soul, I thought as I stared at the ground, processing her words. She should never have met me. That would have made her safe, if I had never existed.  
I wish I had never existed, and I wished that I couldn't cause her this pain now. I gathered the strength to look up, to keep my face hard and cold.  
I spoke the words that would surely prevent her from ever forgiving me.  
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."  
She stared, and in that instant, I knew with perfect clarity that I had ripped out her heart and crushed it into nothing.  
"You... don't... want me?"  
"No."  
I had to keep my face straight, to not crumple to the pain and tell her it was all a lie, a stupid sick joke, and that I would never, could never, stop loving her.  
"Well, that changes things."  
I stared into the trees, to hide the pain in my eyes.  
"I'll always love you.. in a way" - with my whole heart - "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not, Bella. I am not human." If only. "And I've let this so on for much too long, and I'm sorry for that."  
"Don't. Don't do this."  
"You're no good for me, Bella."  
She opened her mouth, and closed it again.  
"If that's what you want," she whispered quieter than the breeze. I nodded, quite unable to speak anymore.  
"I would like to ask one favour though, if that's not too much."  
I hoped she accepted, but, like all my other requests, it was still optional.  
I flicker of pain swept across my face as I thought of what might happen if she did not accept. I stifled it, but it would only come back to haunt me later.  
"Anything," she promised.  
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying?"  
She nodded mutely.  
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself - for him."  
I couldn't quite disguise the longing in my voice as I asked her never to hurt herself, for there would be no escaping the pain if anything happened to her. There was only one option in that circumstance.  
"I will." "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."  
It will be as if I'd never existed. At least Bella gets her happy ending.  
"Don't worry, your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."  
"And your memories?"  
"Well.. I won't forget." How could I ever forget my dear, sweet Bella? If I did, that would be blasphemy of uncountable measures. Yet, so was this. "But my kind, we're very easily distracted."  
I smiled at her gently, unable to force a proper one onto my face.  
"We won't bother you again," I whispered, stepping backwards.  
She looked confused, and then comprehended the plural.  
"Alice isn't coming back."  
I shook my head.  
"No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."  
"Alice isn't coming back."  
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."  
I fought to keep everything even and smooth.  
"Goodbye, Bella."  
"Wait!" She said the word louder than anything she had so far. Her arms reached out for me, but I forced the nearly-irresistible invitation back to her sides. I kissed her head lightly for a too-short moment and she closed her eyes.  
"Take care of yourself."  
I was away before I got to look in her chocolate eyes just one more time.

Once I knew that there was no hope of Bella ever catching up to me, I gave in to the misery that weighted on every part of me. I knelt down, and then toppled onto the damp moss. My arms, my hands, everything was shaking in complete misery.  
Behind my eyes, I could see nothing except the way Bella's face looked while I held her that one last time.  
I was finally able to see through the black haze and find my way to standing upright. I ran to Charlie's house. Climbing in through Bella's open window, I looked around and breathed in the sweet scent I would never have again.  
I gathered the photos of myself, the CD still in the player, the tickets, everything I could find. As I held them in my hands, I could not bring myself to take away everything from her. I gently pulled off one of her floorboards and hid all the items in the small compartment. I replaced the piece of wood carefully, to make sure she would never find the items.  
And then I left, back to the house.

**here belongs Being Alice - Witness**

I watched her as she lay on her couch - wet, cold and exhausted.  
She looked as if she were asleep, but I could not tell for certain. She looked too broken to exhibit any signs of life, at all.  
I watched as she talked to Charlie, and felt the anger at myself as I heard how wrong her voice sounded.  
I watched as she stormed upstairs, and I watched as she closed the door to her bedroom.  
I was careful to never let her see me. Never to give her any more pain than I already had.  
Could I do nothing right? I could not keep myself from her in the beginning, I could not protect her from James or Jasper. I could barely protect her from myself. Now I had shattered her.  
At least that if I had crushed her heart, I had crushed mine at the same time. No wonder there was this blank, empty space in my chest.  
She knelt down on the floor, and I realised that as she pressed herself against the wood, her heart was exactly where I had placed my gifts to her. I scrambled away into the forest to give in the the shaking and quivering again. 


End file.
